when i was this, i knew i was not that

when i was that, i knew i was not this

now i am neither this nor that

now i don’t know who or what i am.


pressure to conform

I have this interesting relationship with Roshan. Roshan has been hired to keep our house clean. She is a robust, larger than life, 40+ woman, who seems to rule her world with an aggressive energy. And often I get the feeling that she would like to rule me too!

I don’t meet her often – only during the weekends I am at home. But those are the days I just prefer to hang around doing nothing… letting my world go to the dogs. The house, if W is not around, is a proverbial mess… to Roshan’s angst. She tries to prod me in many ways to get off my ass, mother-in-lawing me, often with not-even-veiled digs at how everything is done when W is around! She makes it clear that as far as she is concerned, I am a blot to being a Woman – not only doing nothing to play the Woman’s role, but letting my man do it to boot! Surprisingly she hasn’t yet made any comments to my smoking… considering that W doesn’t smoke.

I enjoy the banter too… teasing her in return whether being a woman can be much more than a tied-to-the-house-and-babies role… though she wonders at my freaking out lecture when she wastes water… and telling her I thank the good lord that I don’t have her for my m-in-law!

I wonder what she must make of the gender roles in my house. While W does a marvellous job of house-keeping, he doesn’t really fit into the typical description of a cuckolded, hen-pecked male role… and while I seem to do nothing, obviously I don’t “run” either the family or the home… the relationship equations are clearly not in favour of one over the other.

I often see Roshan struggling with herself to understand the dynamics in my house… and trying to do her best to beat us back into a shape of conformity that would fit into her social, gender role models…

who is my archetype?

“If you could have your light shine in your world, how would it shine, on who would it shine, where would it shine”

“If I could realize my will to action, my will to engagement, and my will to manifestation, what format would it be?”

… was reading this about archetypal energies… and I thought what would be mine? I thought of all the deep, intense, dark archetypes that play inside me and finally realised that no… if i could shine my light in the world I would like it to be playful, bright, catalystic… in that sense my archetype would be Krishna… the master-player of all… non-emotional, catalyst, moral code-breaker changing social rules, political, counter-balancer, engaged but not involved, committed but not attached, who was Maya himself yet played with Maya, the ever romantic, who could get many to realize love, yet he himself was self-contained, human yet above being just human… yes! it would be a krishna.

What would be yours?


enmeshed, entangled
en-merged – (is that a word?)
no longer distinguishable
or delineate-able
or separate-able
if I extricate parts of You
parts of me get extricated too
as I try and remove
strands of you,
now woven into Me
it leaves gaps …
… like ladders in stockings
disturbing a seeming pattern.
which is Me? which is You?
i no longer recognise myself as Me.
i have become a You-Me.
i don’t know about you.
do you feel like this too?

Being REAL

’What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day. ’Does it mean having that buzz inside of you, and a stick-out handle?’

’REAL isn’t how you were made,’ said the Skin Horse. ’It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become REAL.’

’Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

’Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ’When you are REAL, you don’t mind being hurt.’

’Does it happen all at once like being wound up,’ he asked, ’or bit by bit?’

’It doesn’t happen all at once.’ said the Skin Horse. ’You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are REAL, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are REAL, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… Once you are REAL, you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.’

– Margery Williams, “The Velveteen Rabbit