This month has been boon. Finally I could stop running and turn back to face up to the demons… and of course, just by doing that, the demons dissolved and I was set free.
We all know that that’s all we need to do – is to stop and face the demon. Every book we have read, every discourse one has heard, every experience we personally have had has again and again emphasized this. Yet, we find it so difficult to do just that – stop and look.
I have been watching my resistance for some time now – the incredible convolutions that I go through to avoid facing that very thing that torments me. The rationalizations, explanations, and sometimes sheer closing myself up and boxing myself in… escaping and entertaining myself with every inane stuff I can find or hooking up to anything even remotely pleasurable to blind myself to IT.
Sometimes I wonder whether the resistance itself is part of the game… because really speaking once the demons are faced one realizes they are hardly frightening. This brought me to the question “why don’t I just let the demons go?”, “do I need these demons?” – do I need it to somehow define me. Is it a mirror where I can see the shadowy form of myself which otherwise I cannot see.
The resistance is not to pain and fear but the removal of that which I cannot bear. Somewhere the pain itself makes me feel alive? Is it a way to by which I feel my existence? Is that why I don’t want to let even that which is so painful go?