“Most things prefer to stay just as they are. Change therefore requires instability. Disequilibrium. Anarchy. When a system is shattered, it responds by reorganizing itself. That’s how paradigm leaps occur. “, said an article I was reading on the Uranian nature of things. It set off a whole range of thoughts within me.
I hate to be in a rut, yet getting myself out of rut psychologically becomes a Herculean task that requires a storm, a typhoon, an earthquake to get me off my ass and moving. No matter how much I might look forward to something new and improved, change frightens me. I don’t go into a changing future willingly, with enthusiasm, anticipation and excitement. I go into it with fear and pain. Almost always I get dragged into the future kicking and screaming.
I forget that when I look for change, or ask for something new or different the situation essentially assumes that I am not happy with what is already there. I forget that acknowledging that means that a disruption is out to happen. Things are likely to get destabilized. Re-organization is most likely going to happen. Yet, I resist change quite stubbornly. What I want is for the rest of the world to change to the ‘new’ order of things I visualize but I myself want to remain the same. And this is where the biggest conflicts between me and the rest of the world occur.
In fact I realize more and more nowadays that when I want the world to change, to become better, to improve, to move forward, actually what I am saying is something inside me is asking for change. But since that is painful and difficult, I throw it at the world, and make it the crucible of all what I feel is ‘wrong’ and go hammer and tongs at it to bring about change. The greater my sense of urgency, the greater my sense of disquiet within myself, the more passionate I become of my crusade.
Along similar lines, I have seen that when I get too comfortable and get settled deeper and deeper in a happy rut, becoming more and more blind and deaf to my changing needs, something external kicks me where it hurts. The more I avoid it, the fiercer the kicking becomes. Finally, when it becomes unbearable, and I bring myself to pay attention to what the Universe is asking of me, I begin to see that I was not born in this world to just happily feed off it. That I was not meant just to be a parasite. But that I was given the talents, the skills and the gifts so that I put them to good use for the larger good. And the kicking Universe is actually demanding that I deliver my bit of the contract.
I realise now that if I question what is it in me, about what within myself I am uncomfortable with and if I sit long enough with the question, I get my answer. I also find that usually I am not willing to receive this answer. I am not ready for the action that the acceptance of this answer would entail. And thus I find it easier to push it away, to hide from it, or worse get into a myopic, apathetic state of limbo of self-pity, moaning and whining.
These realizations have made me wary, more careful now of being unduly ‘critical’ of another or the world. Or become unduly blasé and complacent about myself. I realize that each time I feel the urge now to change the world or contradictorily feel deep apathy, if I examine myself and identify that which is crying out in me for change and give myself the time and space to let that desire be born, eventually I find myself willing to act – on myself and on behalf of the rest of world.