On Memories

How do we deal with memories? Memories are those precious moments, some joyful and some painful, that we have collected and gathered and have kept in cold storage. Frozen them in our minds, so that they can give us at least a reflection of the feelings of what the reality was. Ah! Memories are so juicy, so tasty … the more we chew on them, the better they become … much better than even the original reality. And like a dog that chews on the bone, and bleeds on the shards of the bone, and is transported in joy at the taste of its own blood, we too chew on our memories … and bleed and joy. Until they become obsessions.

Sigh … I have memories of doings and misdoings – of my friends and family members, of lost loves and broken hearts – of long, long ago… and I never let go of them … opting to chew and bleed myself to death. I remember Rupert challenging me and asking me why I didn’t let them go … what was my pay-off… Rupert, Rupert … thanks for throwing that gauntlet on my head … for that was the moment I understood what I did to myself, over the years.

Memories can be dealt with differently, I learnt. One did not have to erase them. One did not have to hide them or hide from them. One did not have to be in a death-embrace with them, either. One had to honor them. Respect them. Give them their place and space within our psyche. Give them the grief that they demand and need. Or the joy that is their due. I dishonor them when I tell myself that it should not be this way, that they should not come, that they should be gone. I disrespect them when I reject them and shove them away.

I now try and do that, honor them … sometimes I bitterly fail, slipping back into obsessing about them. But more and more, I am gaining on them. I try and be with them when they come … engage with them to their heart’s content … and when they want to go, I let them go. I give them the copious tears they want or the hearty laughter they expect. Even now after shedding what I think were oceans-ful of tears, some more come, from vague, hidden corners of my heart … I let them come, engage and let them go… I find the bitterness in me reducing. The rage in me quieting.

Why should there be no memories? Why shouldn’t we want to remember those moments that have made us what we are today? Why shouldn’t we engage with the lessons those events, incidents, relationships brought us? All of the past is part of me … so how can that be ever taken away? It is ridiculous to think that the past is over and done with. It never is… it can never be done away with … only integrated to make us whole.

It is this ‘modern’ way of thinking. The games that the Mind in its desire for supremacy plays with us. It doesn’t want to give the Heart the space it is entitled to. We prefer to exile the Lilith in us to please our stupid notions of superiority. We need to honor ourselves. Honor the Lilith. Honor the Girl-Cells. Honor the emotions. Honor the Feminine.

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