This summer has been an exercise in understanding the emotion of ‘wanting’, my desire-nature. The film ‘Equilibrium’ stung me into examining my own such prozac like actions that deaden in me the livening feeling of ‘wanting’. Fed on a diet of ‘desire is the root cause of evil’, Desire per se became evil. And the lack of desire in life created an emptiness in the soul.
I noticed this when I watched my children – their sheer, dancing joy at receiving a box of chocolates. These kids have never been deprived of Chocolates, yet their palpitating excitement at receiving chocolates set me thinking. This is what I miss. This joy and excitement of wanting. This joy of wanting with no stigmas attached, no rules, no memories of past pain – but pure in the moment joy of wanting, not even bothered about experiencing its satiation.
I hadn’t realized that I bury my ‘wanting’ deep inside, and I let myself believe most of the time that I do not really want anything. I used to suspect that there is something fishy in ‘not wanting’ especially since I am not exactly an evolved being but just an ordinary mortal. There was also something fishy about not giving myself the satisfaction of satisfying my wants. How much I fear ‘wanting’! Wanting always brings with it memories of being denied, of losing, of being judged, of being moralized, and so on …. and with all this a fear of life, a fear of living !
And thus in my fear, in my catering to an external expectation, I sanitize my desire to more ‘acceptable’ levels. Its ok to want to eat, but it not ok to want to sleep with someone. Both hungers – one ok and one not ok. Its ok to want to party and to go dancing, but not ok to explore the seldom trodden paths of life. As long as I am within a framework I can even go beserk. But a tiny step out of the framework, and there is chaos! – in my mind, in my heart, in my body. Again and again I encounter my inner Police that insists on keeping me in line. I think I am my own enemy.
Wanting what we dare not believe we can have is painful, and becoming large enough to move through our fears is difficult, so we stop wanting and then question the emptiness of our lives.
This summer I discovered and decided I want to Live. I want to Want. I want to Feel.
In order to Live, in order to recover my inspiration or passion, I must choose to create the inner and outer conditions which awaken and fuel our life energy. I must ‘want’ to experience greater aliveness; I must care enough to make choices which enliven me; I must dare to create the changes in my life which will enable me to hear and live in close contact with my sources of inspiration, until my desire for ‘life’ becomes greater than my fear of life.