Visions @ Dawn

Is the fear of loneliness much bigger than the actual fact of being alone ?

What all kinds of compromises we make, that hurt our hearts & souls in fear of this loneliness. I am not sure whether being alone and loneliness are words with the same meaning. They are not.

Loneliness has with it the smell of sacrifice. Compromise. Giving up. Giving in. Basically the fear of loneliness strips us of dignity. Its what makes us sell out. I would go one step further. It is not just fear of loneliness. But basically Fear. Fear of deprivation. Fear of poverty. Fear of abandonment. Fear of death. Fear … fear …. Fear.

Really, if we let go of all our crutches, and ARE finally alone, is it all that bad? Actually it isn’t. On the other hand once everything that asks us to sacrifice, compromise has been given up, and we remain with no illusions, dreams, fantasies, the feeling is so clean. Actually its all OK.

And life is strange too. It brings us again and again face to face with this Fear so that we can look at it and understand it. And instead of looking at it and understanding it, we make compromises and try to get round it. We sell out. We continue with relationships that is probably withering away. We continue with the job with is killing our creativity and freedom. We continue a pattern of life which is unfulfilling. We continue with a life afraid to die. And the irony is we die every day, every minute living these compromises.

The problem is also we really don’t know what we want.

I keep checking what is it that I finally want? For which I am willing to go to these lengths? And each time I find out that I don’t know what I want. All these years I have been wanting what I have been told to want. A good job. A good husband. A family. Freedom, Justice, Equality, A house. A car. A TV. A fridge…. The list can go on. I have been told by the various institutions – of family, friends, relatives, academia, thinkers, intellectuals, colleagues, etc.etc. All have been telling me what to want.

And once one ‘has’ all this, the fear does not go away. It is still there ! And now I have an added fear – of losing everything I have that I did not define for myself in the first place !

And if I try to find out what I want – drop all the ‘dreams’ that I have been given including those of freedom and service, I find that maybe I don’t want anything. Its probably freakier than living in compromise. But at the end of it, I feel I don’t want anything. Not love. Not freedom. Not justice. Not equity. Not recognition. Nothing.

And as the first light of dawn streams in through the windows, casting the room in a pearly light I realise I am alone and not afraid and don’t want anything.

Where does this leave me?

5.00 a.m. July 23 2008

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